April 22nd, 2011
Earlier this week, Minnesota Twins All-Star catcher Joe Mauer was put on the disabled list. The reason behind his shelving - "Bilateral Leg Weakness." Upon further investigation, it was determined that the actual cause of Mauer's pain was the growth of a third leg.
"Yeah, sort of caught me off guard," said the 4-time All Star, "never really guessed I had a third leg."
"Yeah, he's fucked," said Twins physician Dr. Dan Buss, "I mean, he's got a third leg growing out from the side of his knee. A third leg. What do you expect?"
Dr. Buss went on to bitch and moan about how his fantasy baseball team would suffer and how his number one overall pick in his online draft had been a complete and utter waste.
"Should've gone with Pujols. Goddamn it," said Buss.
This was yet another blow to Twins fans, who already had suffered through an embarrasing start to the 2011 season. After watching their 4-time All Star closer Joe Nathan miss an entire season the year before due to Tommy John's surgery and MVP first basemen Justin Morneau lose more than half a season due to a concussion, morale in Twins nation is at an all-time low.
"Joe Mauer is our Babe Ruth," said 14-year-old Twins fan Zach Kramka, "He's our Superman. What are we going to do without Superman?"
"Pretty boy signs an 8-year, $184 million dollar contract extension, and now we find out he's got a third leg?" raged disgraced vendor Wally the Beerman outside the gates of Target Field, "Fuck 'em."
"I hope to get back on the field as soon as possible," said Mauer at a press conference shortly after the news broke, "There's balls to be hit and sticks to be handled."
Mauer then blushed, embarassed, as many of the elder writers in the baseball community laughed and giggled at his last comment. Many are skeptical, but Mauer's determined work ethic has served him well in the past. A comeback from this would sure be one for the ages.
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